covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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