just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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