I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
