So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
