Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
