Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
