i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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