one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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