so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dating After Heartbreak
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick