my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
