Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
