I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
