I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My vagina just recognized that song.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
