youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
