now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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