It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just invented taco cereal.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
