who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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