I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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