the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
