Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
