and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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