Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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