so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
