My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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