That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
