Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
