I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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