I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
