Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
