I want to walk on stilts...naked
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
