Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
