Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
