do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.