he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
