A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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