Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize