I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
