Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
