Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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