My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
