So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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