At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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