so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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