remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
