Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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