We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
