I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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