My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
