I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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