now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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