someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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