i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he shaved USA in his pubs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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