non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
