Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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