I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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