I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
