GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
